NazNet Conference: A Spoof

The following is a spoof of the first annual NazNet conference in New Hampshire that happened from Sept. 30-Oct. 4, 2010.  It made me curious: “what in the world will they have for conference topics for five days??”  So I came up with my own fictional sessions.
I hope the humor helps lighten up the usual serious stuff I send out.  In various spots, I have added a related link that might be of interest for that topic.  I originally sent this only to a few friends, but since NazNet people have a sense of humor, and liked this when I recently posted it to them, I’ll make this public.
The only real info is the conference dates and the place.  In seriousness, I do urge you to pray for some of the people over at NazNet.  I no longer dialogue with them as you know (an occasional comment, but no more debate).  But some of them, pastors included, are in serious need of God’s correction, based on what they themselves have written and testified to on their own site.  I’m sorry if some of you who are newer to my list might not “get it all”, but I will field any questions to explain some of those parts that you did not understand.  For many of you, you will clearly recognize that the best humor is that which is based on fact!

NazNet Conference- less than a week to go!
Sept. 30-Oct. 4, at beautiful Windsor Hills, NH

Have you signed up yet for the first annual NazNet Conference?  What are you waiting for?  Come to beautiful New Hampshire and rub elbows with Hans Deventer, Tom Oord, and other notables!  Hurry, a few more spots still available!

CONFERENCE SCHEDULE:

Plenary Speakers:
Day 1, Dr. Jay McDaniel, “My Hindu Friend
Day 2, The Dalai Lama, Doug Pagitt and Rob Bell, “Seeds of Compassion 2
Day 3, Dan Boone: The Life of Thomas Merton and His Misunderstood Theology
Day 4: Thomas Oord, “Those Crazy Fundamentalists
Day 5: “One World” Closing Breakfast with speakers: Tony Campolo and Rick Warren

Three free books for the first 50 ALL registrants: The Shackby William Paul Young, and “Quantum Spiritualityby Leonard Sweet, and all-time favorite “Celebration of Discipline” by Richard Foster

Just A Sample of Many Quality Sessions:

Half Day Pre-Conference: Back To Rome – A morning Session: (Sept. 29) will explore the real Master plan behind the Master Plan / G-12, the enviro-plan, the organic plan, and other special plans- all developed without God’s help!)  You must pass a screening test to be admitted.
Bonus afternoon field trip: To Pastor Ken Silva’s residence in nearby Claremont, NH for an afternoon of protest and picketing.  (Pastor Ken of Apprising Ministries, no relation to Manny Silva)

The Flood Explained: Dennis Bratcher finally explains how God made His first mistake, gives us the top ten mistakes God has ever made, and explains how it might happen again.

Renaming Pagan Practices: Dan Boone explains how to make them more palatable and politically correct (like renaming prayer labyrinths and calling them guided prayer walks).

Connecting With God (or Goddess): 36 fresh and new ways to “experience” God! This session led by Neal Donald Walsch and Sue Monk Kidd

Have We Encountered The Same God As The Muslim?: Come and finally find out the answer to the question of whether we worship the same God as the Muslims.  Led by Tony Campolo and Rick Warren.

Evolution, Darwin, And Jesus: Come and hear Karl Giberson and Darrel Falk explain why believing in evolution does not make Jesus a liar.  Necessarily.  Special guest Michael Dowd will be promoting his new book, Thank God For Evolution.

Taking Advantage of Being Smart: Dennis Bratcher leads another compelling session on how to browbeat any Concerned Nazarene with superior intellect, revision of history, and the selective and well-placed use of scripture.

The Fundamentals Simplified: Hans Deventer makes a compelling argument for just simply agreeing on the Articles of faith, and that everything else is a non-essential.

Big Tent Nazarenes: Scott Daniels  (Dr. Scott Daniels)  and Jon Middendorf team up for the first time since General Assembly!  Come hear this engaging duo explain the future of Nazarene neo-theology.  (Moral support provided by Jesse Middendorf; answers fielded by David Felter; disclaimers provided by General Secretary Wilson.  And, you must pass through a security check for this session, no exceptions).  (Staniforth, Silva, and Silva are banned from this session).

Emergent Is Dead: Scott Daniels, again, will just amaze you with his compelling evidence that the emergent church is dead, so why worry?

About This Judging Thing: Bob Hunter and James Diggs make the case that judging is inappropriate at all times for all Christians, by giving compelling examples of the biased, hypocritical, delusional, wrong-headed, out-of-context, and self-serving posts by CN bloggers.  Who are just plain wrong.  And are bibliolaters.

The Errors of Inerrancy Explained One More Time: Thomas Oord and a roundtable of NazNet pastors explain why inerrantists are really practitioners of bibliolatry, and how we can trust the Bible, even if full of error and mystery.

Blog Response Strategies: This important session will give any emergent everything you need to post the wittiest, sharpest, most diversionary and confusing comments to any anti-emergent blogger out there!  Also: how to infiltrate the Concerned Nazarenes Facebook page and survive for at least one week!  Led by Greg Horton and Bob Hunter.

New Session Just Added Today!  “Sophia and Yahweh: One and The Same”.  Led by Benjamin Burch, moderator of Theology Forum. (see latest NazNet thread for unbelievable dialogue on what is or is not pagan worship)

There’s Time For Fun, Games, and Activities!  Like:

Three- yes, three!  prayer labyrinths on site, try the one that best fits your mood and style.  Guest instructor Lauren Artress!

Mornings, at 4 am: The monks from the hills of Kentucky, Thomas Merton’s home monastery of Gethsemani, will be here to lead you in morning chants.

Daily Jesus Prayer at 5 am: Can’t get up for 4 am? Tony Campolo will start you off on the right path with centering prayers, every morning, for 20 minutes.  Yes, 20 minutes.  20 minutes.  20 minutes!

“Missional” Community Cleanup Projects in the Neighborhood Daily: Remember, no proselytizing allowed, violators will be automatically expelled from the conference, no refunds.

All Day Reading at Windsor Hills Library: Visit Doug Hardy’s updated library, where he has added even more choice selections of books from the Desert Fathers and all the mystics since… well, since the first mystic.  You might even find a King James Bible somewhere.

Tim and Manny Dunkathon:
Here’s your chance to hit the bull’s eye and send Tim and Manny plopping into the cold New Hampshire waters of our beautiful lake. (Life jackets optional).  All proceeds will go to a special fund for Jim Wallis and his Sojourner’s organization and their social gospel efforts, or you can opt to contribute to any one of many other wonderful causes, like the World Council of Churches, Sierra Club, PETA, and the United States Government.

Grand Prize Drawing: The winner will receive all expense paid trip to another Spiritual Formation Retreat at the next General Assembly, including a private lunch with Richard Foster (prayer of protection required before eating).

Ten First Prizes: Portable sanctuaries, courtesy of Richard Foster and Renovaré!

100 Second Prizes: Prayer beads!

Please sign up, and have a great time!

5 responses to “NazNet Conference: A Spoof

  1. Wow, Christ must be so proud of you for writing this. I’m a Nazarene, through and through, my father a Nazarene minister and then a D.S. I appalled you would attack Christians in such a juvenile manner. You need to truly look inward because your hate runs deep. My God is a God of love, not one who would approve of a mean-spirited “spoof” of his children.

  2. Leslie,
    I must have missed this comment months ago. Sorry.
    Just to let you know, when I first created this, I sent it privately to the very folks I was satirizing- the members of NazNet of which I still am a member. They loved it, and thought I had a good sense of humor, and so in a sense, I got their okay to make it public. So I did.

    As I said in the post, the best humor is based on reality, and sadly, the reality is that heresy has truly invaded my denomination. I am a son of a former Nazarene pastor, since passed away a few years ago. I am a lifelong Nazarene, and I have seen the tremendous damage that has happened to our church.

    So bad, that a friend of mine was DENIED ordination in New England. Why? because he believes that ALL of the Bible is inerrant. I could tell you a lot more, but all of what I wrote is based on truth.
    And the truth is, my denomination is like the Titanic- sinking fast. Hopefully the Lord will intervene and at least will rescue some from the fire.

  3. I couldn’t stop laughing when I read this.

    The Tim and Manny Dunkathon funds could fund the Mission Budget.

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